I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
