watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
