I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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