His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
