Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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