At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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