mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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