Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
