My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
