i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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