maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
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I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
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He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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