no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Randomize
