youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
