literally had 100 drinks last night.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
