Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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