she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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