I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
