If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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