this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I enjoy the company of your penis
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
