so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
