You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
