i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
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I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
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I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.