Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
why do cheetos always look like penises
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
These 19 Sad People Chose Video Games Over Sex
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you