look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
