fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
