I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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