my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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