So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
