just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Im part way to drunk.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
