eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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