It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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