She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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