Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
