My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
