can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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