ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
