the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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