I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
