Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
