I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
