is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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