i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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