I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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