Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
The air taste purple.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
