Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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