You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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