so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
