I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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