I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
