now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
