FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
