I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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