i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
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You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
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Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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