I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
