Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
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I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
being pregnant is like rehab
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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